I stood there leaning against the hard brick wall, alone, in the shadows. The night was overcast, and the wind was no more than a mere breeze. Cool the breeze may be, but I felt none of its therapeutic effects. All I felt deep within was a chilling emptiness that seemed to permeate throughout my body, as though I had taken a dip into the Arctic Ocean in the dead of the night. As I stood there against the breeze, my thoughts began to gravitate towards her.
I remembered the day, the day that I first saw her. She was a student in a normal neighbourhood school, and we met while we were at the community club. Quick-witted, humorous and at times a little chatty, she became a fast friend. As a player of the yangqin, she would do accompaniments with me when we were playing duets. Her skill at the yangqin was formidable. Perhaps there was something mysterious between the two of us, we seemed to be able to connect well. The duets that we played together were harmonious and melodious, and were the envy of many of the orchestra.
The breeze stopped, changed direction, and returned with a new fervour from the opposite direction. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, with my jacket wrapped ever so tightly around me. My stomach had this strange twirling feeling, as though someone or something was causing an upheaval within the very walls of my body. Shivering slightly, I again refocused my thoughts on her.
She was a little plump, not the fat kind of plump, but rather the nice, healthy look kind of plump. Her skin was fair and smooth to the touch, and she had very magnetic eyes, the more I looked into her eyes, the more I wanted to look some more. Her short hair bobbed up and down her head when she talked spiritedly, and that gave her a form of liveliness that I found simply irresistible. She was warm, always willing to lend a listening ear to me, always eager to share and partake with my victories, my defeats, my happiness and my sorrows. She put up with my teasing, put up with my idiocy, put up with my gloom, and offered sunshine in return. Though the time that I knew her, she was still in secondary school, she exhibited a sophisticated and air of maturity so common among women. In short, she was as much of a reality of the girl of my dreams.
The wind stopped. I glanced towards the sky and saw the moon peeking above the crest of a night cloud. Feeling a little fatigued from standing, I sat down, with my legs huddled close to my body. I turned my eyes from the sky to that of my surroundings. People were coming and going, each of them with another person by their side. I looked on, longingly, wondering whether I would have a different experience from now if I had acted differently.
And then one day, I decided to give her a gift on her birthday. It was a brooch, exquisite looking and yet not outside of my budget. It was the shape of a leaf, with shimmering white stones on it that gave it an air of sophistication, surely something that is worthy enough for the girl who I liked. I bought a card too, a pink one if I was not mistaken. I wrapped the brooch up and stuck it onto the envelope of the card. Painstakingly, I sealed the envelope, making sure that I had not miss out on any parts of the seal. I remembered that I was in Malaysia at that time, in a hotel room, supposedly to rest for the day.
I came back to Singapore, and went to the community club were we met every Saturday for music practice. Hastily and a little shyly, I presented her with the gift. She looked mildly shocked, and was opening the small package that was stuck on top of the envelope. She tipped the package over and the brooch slipped out. She seemed to be astonished, but quickly regained her composure and told me that she couldn't possibly accept it. And being the fool I was, I told her that it took me some time to get the brooch as I didn't have enough money for it at first. After much persuasion from me, she finally took the brooch and the card.
That was the last time that I saw her, for she never did return to the community club again.
I gazed at my watch and realised that the time was pretty late. Painfully, I got up, trying to fight the numbness that had settled in from the long period of inaction. I dusted my pants, and looked up at the sky once more. The moon was now shining through the clouds, her light diffusing and brightening up the place.
I turned away, and started the long walk home.
(Written on 19 Oct 2004, rediscovered today.)
