``April showers bring May flowers,'' or so the conventional wisdom says. But at this point at this place, that's the last thing that I really gave a damn about. I just sat there at the covered bus stop, as the torrential downpour continued its relentless charge against the dryness of the ground.
That feeling of the rain striking the ground with great force having fallen over a thousand feet from the sky was one that I could really identify strongly with, considering what I had just been through.
I sat there, thinking to myself about what had transpired a little earlier.
------
``No Tom! You are not going anywhere! I forbid it!''
``Who the hell do you think you are, my mother?''
``When you married me that day two years ago, I've already told you that I wanted you beside me always!''
``Sure! But this is ridiculous! Why must I be chained perpetually to you and be unable to do things that I want? It's not as though I'm having a mistress or something...''
``Ah ha! You've finally admitted to having a mistress now, mister!''
``What? Look, you are talking nonsense---since when did I say that I had a mistress outside?''
``Denying it just makes it all the more suspicious!''
``I am not fucking denying anything!''
``Then you admit to having a mistress outside!''
``What the... you are going irrational, woman...''
``Irrational?'' Susan repeated, her eyes turning into a fiery red. `Uh oh,' I thought to myself, `this is going to be bad.'
``Me, irrational? Marrying you was an irrational mistake then? Living with you is irrational too, right? Caring about you, well that's also irrational right?''
``I don't mean it that way...''
``Oh yes you do! First you have a mistress outside, and now you are calling ME irrational? What nerves you have!''
I sighed. As predicted, what could have been a simple conversation has escalated into a full-blown argument that threatened the peace of all withing a five-hundred metre radius. Once she started on her fugue, it would be impossible to sway her back to whatever the topic was at hand, whether or not she was actually making sense. I braced myself for the impact.
``I am not calling you irrational... can you please calm the fuck down?''
``Me? Calm down? Are you saying that I'm NOT CALM?''
``THAT'S IT!'' I bellowed, unable to contain my chagrin any longer. ``You have crossed the line. I'm not going to talk to you for now; you are obviously not in the right state for a proper conversation...''
``Yes I am!''
``DON'T INTERRUPT ME!'' I lashed out again. There was a stunned silence from Susan---she probably wasn't expecting me to do this. I wasn't one who would easily raise my voice, but whenever I did, it always produced the same effect that Susan is experiencing right now.
``I'm going to step out right now so that we both can calm down and talk things over. And no, I do not approve of you being the sole dictator of my life. We are married for goodness sake, and that is not some slave-master relationship.'' I took a deep breath and continued, ``I will go out now, and you will not stop me.''
I picked up my satchel from the couch that I stood from and exited through the main door. All these while, Susan just stood there in stunned silence.
------
The rain pelted down intensely as I tucked up my legs to avoid the water that was fast flowing into the drainage behind. I had gone for the event that triggered the whole brouhaha in the first place, and at its conclusion, I have been sitting at this bus stop, just to think and wait, to wait and think. The rain came quickly of course, which explained why I was still at the bus stop---in my haste, I hadn't put an umbrella into my satchel, and now, just three hundred metres away from my apartment, I have to wait out the rain. I didn't really want to go back all drenched (and in a foul mood) and get involved in yet another fight.
`Divorce.'
I blinked my eyes, suddenly even more aware of the surroundings than before. Was it something that I had heard?
`Divorce.'
There it was again! I was more certain that I had heard something this time. But there was no one else in the bus stop---just what was it that is whispering words to me?
`Your unconscious.'
I sat upright, startled at the answer. That an answer was returned made me most confused, almost as though some hidden part of me was trying to break through and talk to me.
I listened harder, but all I could hear was the ambient noise from the heavy rain. There was little else in terms of the words.
But whatever it was, it seemed to make some sense though; divorce was a possibility that I have not considered. True, it was only two years of marriage, but already there were strong irreconciliable reasons why we just couldn't go on. I knew early on in my relationship with Susan that she had a possessive streak, but it was only after we got married that the true extent of the possession was. It had gotten to the point that I would be unable to meet up with my friends after work, be they male or female. And even when I was at work, she would call in once every couple of hours to check in on me. For a while it was the envy of my colleagues, since they thought it was sweet of her to talk to me throughout the day. But as time went by, it was clear that even my colleagues were thinking that it was a little too excessive, the way she was calling.
Maybe it was pride, or maybe it was shame, but I put up for two years. Or maybe it was love---I'm sure I loved her at some point in time---but as the possessive streak continued, that love probably evaporated itself ever so slowly and consistently that today, as I sat there under the bus stop sheltered somewhat from the rain, I suddenly discovered that I did not really like her that much any more; she was the very epitome of what was making my life hell.
I suppose a divorce would be the best course of action. But how do I broach this topic, that will be something to think about.
No comments:
Post a Comment