Long Night

The night, it was dark and cold. Lonely too I might add. It wasn't really that normal a night, as far I was concerned. Too many things to think about, too many things to worry about. Ordinarily, this wouldn't really bother me much, but it has been a while since I was able to get used to the fact that life has never been the same since they all left.

I didn't use to be so worrisome. Life was simple. Study hard, get good grades, eat enough food, have plenty of rest and exercise and things were good. But as time went by, all these goals started to become meaningless drivel---their very mundaneness have made them into things that I wouldn't associate much value to any more.

I sighed as I lay on my bed, alone and under the sole light that I had jerry-rigged to hand slightly over head for better illumination.

Life used to be simple. What happened in between? Has becoming an adult effectively doomed me to a lifestyle where nothing was certain and happiness was merely something that was hinted at and only dreamt about? I know not how to answer this.

I looked out of the window in contemplation of my lot in life. The featureless night sky was abyssal, glowering back at me as though I were making some terrible mistake of some sort. I shuddered a little as a cold breeze wafted through the open windows.

There was little doubt that it was going to be a long night.

------

It was never meant to be that way, of course. Things were rosier in the day, partly because of the tinting of the world by the daylight star, partly because there were actually things to do rather than just to sit around and let the mind wander. But for that day, the day that led to that night, it wasn't actually the rosiest of things.

Irene broke up with me.

We went out for quite a while, and for those moments, I felt like an adult. More importantly, I felt as though I was in control of my life. And then of course she broke up with me, making everything that I had once thought of as being stable turning into the exact opposite.

Roughly an hour after she told me to take a hike for good, my boss came up to me and told me that when my contract was up in three months' time, the company would not be extending it. And so, my source of income was suddenly affected negatively as well.

I had drunk some hard liquor, the precious few bottles that I had saved from during my college days. It helped keep me in the mood that I wanted; sombre, alone, yet fiery in a defiant way. And I had been lying in bed since dinner.

I continued to stare at the ceiling, allowing my mind to travel far and wide through my consciousness, hoping to find an elusive answer to the vague question that I have in my head. A fruitless endeavour, really, because all it did was to keep me even more awake than before, despite the cold breeze through the open windows.

I wished that Irene was back. I debated giving her a call, but quickly realised that it was almost one in the morning---making that call would probably seal things with an air of finality that would make the earlier brush-off seem like a joke.

But Irene had a mercurial disposition. Even though I had gone out with her for so long, I never could figure out how long it takes for her anger to simmer, or from any other non-happy state back to the neutral or happy woman I know. Maybe that ship hasn't sailed off yet, but there was no easy way to find out.

I stared at the ceiling more, letting the cold breeze that wafted through seep into my bones, triggering the familiar arthritic pain at the part where I had once broken the bone. That old familiar pain was strangely satisfying; it conveyed one of the few vestiges of control and understanding that was left that night.

My eyes were wide open, despite the lateness of the night. There was no way to sleep, even if I were completely exhausted. The vague worries and thoughts intermingled with the raw stimuli of the cold night and drove my mind into an odd mix of being tired and euphoric at the same time.

It was near dawn when my eyes finally fealt weary enough to droop down and allow me some rest finally. Perhaps there will be a better tomorrow after all.